Saturday, swimming in delicious wine


I have been very few places in the last month, other than work and home. The dread and constant fear I feel makes it hard to stray far or long from the safety of my house. I woke up Saturday, terribly sad, sobbing for no reason, anxiety cranked up to 11. I could have easily shrugged off my responsibilities, called my boss, cancelled my dinner plans, gone back to bed. However, I thought about it for a few minutes and realized that while my employer and friends would be understanding, I would torture myself endlessly over letting everyone down. So I decided to just try. I would try to take a shower. I would try to imagine myself talking to my friends at work. I would try to imagine myself lecturing about German and Austrian wines at work that evening. I would try to imagine a lovely meal with friends whom I do not see often enough.
I tried and I talked. I told my boss that it was hard for me to make it in, but that I was glad that I did. He told me that if I couldn't teach class that evening, someone else on staff would be able to handle it. And he reminded me it was one of my favorite classes to teach. Talking about it felt good. Just knowing that everything would be alright, even if I couldn't get my shit together right that very second, brought a flood of relief. I tried, I talked to my friends, and my day got easier. I taught my class and was thanked enthusiastically and sincerely for my presentation by every attendee. I made it to dinner with my friends, even though I was running late and being late triggers terrible anxiety in me. It felt better to show up than cancel. It felt better to try than give up. It felt better to be out in the world than it would have to not.
I was rewarded handsomely for my efforts.